A person who makes few mistakes makes little progress – Bryant McGill

 

It is quite amazing really, that moment when you realise how much time has passed. It is a cliché more than anything. The days turn into weeks, weeks to months, months to years. Before you know it, time has run far away and you have neglected to notice it has been a year rather than a week, since you have spoken to that old friend, ten years rather than five, since that close relative passed. We are all so busy with our lives, commitments, worries and fears, that we find little time to stop and actually take a breath.

It has been over two years since I updated my blog. It may not seem like a big deal to some, but to me it is. I used to love writing an article and updating, in fact it was something I dedicated a lot of my time to. Now, I just don’t find the time. Over the years, I did sit down to write, but then neglected to finish what I had started. I would think about writing, consider concentrating some time to it, but then forgot the thought. Other distractions, more important things in life crop up and your hobbies pass you by.

Last week however, I was drawn back here and I’m not entirely sure why, I just felt a strong urge to look back on my previous self and see how much had changed.

And it was interesting.

It was especially interesting (and on some level shocking) to read my last

During college

entry, Exams, Revision and Anxiety. Simple.. The article follows an experience I once had during my college years, where I suffered a panic attack before an exam and intensely described the moment. I revisited the memory and remembered the pain I had felt, the thoughts, the claustrophobia that comes with having panic attacks brought on by an anxiety disorder.

The reason it intrigued me so much, was mainly due to the fact that it helped me realise more than two years after writing it, that I have come so far.

Anxiety is extremely common in our modern world, with most people knowing someone who suffers with it in some way. I’ve personally suffered with Social Anxiety for nearly ten years now and it’s not easy. You worry every hour of every minute about something, rational or irrational. You know there is no need for most of the worries. Yet, you simply cannot beat the way your brain convinces you that all worries, all your fears, thoughts and feelings that course through your mind and body, are essential for your well-being. They are not essential, they are silly and people with anxiety often know it, yet it happens anyway. For instance, I walk out the front door everyday and before the door finishes creaking on its hinges and clicking shut, countless worries about the past, present and future, have already surged through my head. The majority of them are ridiculous and I know it, and I often physically shake my head at my inability to control my thoughts.

Despite still suffering with my anxiety and suffering from panic attacks, reading back on my last article helped me to realise how much progress I have actually made. For the past few months, I had been contemplating whether anything had truly changed for me, as I was utterly crippled recently by a presentation I had to give. I had the thought, “Surely I should be able to do this by now? I’m 21.”

However, there is nothing easy about suffering with Social Anxiety. It is a daily, uphill struggle which you can only learn to manage. It never truly leaves you. So, after much reflection on my presentation and initially focusing on the negatives, I thought about the positives. There was a surprising amount:

1. I attended the seminar.
2. I was well prepared.
3. I stood up in front of my class.
4. I delivered my presentation.
5. I battled with fight or flight and chose the former.
6. I gained a 2:1 (which is equivalent to a B grade).
7. I managed my anxiety.

This list may seem short, but to me, it is so long. The fact that I can take any positives from a situation now that made me feel so utterly helpless at the time, is progress. The fact that this list is here, is progress. Something that I noticed about the writing of my previous article, was the way it revolved around the negative. I spoke of how my confidence was battered, that my CBT progress had been for nothing as it had affected the rest of my year at college. My mind was so negative.

This was the important bit for me. I believed up until the point of rereading about the experience, that I was still the same negative person I was back then. In reality however, I’m not. I may worry and panic, but I now have the ability to evaluate the situation from a perspective that is less destructive on myself. Through experience, I have developed and learnt, I have tried and I have managed.

Two years ago, things were a lot harder for me. I couldn’t go to the shop without someone with me, I couldn’t meet new people without sheer panic taking over. I didn’t believe that I would ever get a job where I would interact with other people. I didn’t believe I could go to Uni and live away from home. But now, I am doing all of these things. I regularly shop on my own, because I don’t need to rely on people the same as I did. I have met new people and made some great friends. I have a job, where although I work with people’s pets, I also interact with their owners. And most importantly, I live away from home.

Again, I come back to a cliché. If I were to tell the Iona who wrote the article all those years ago, that I would be close to finishing a history degree, that I would be interacting with people and enjoying my job, that I was shopping alone, she would never have believed it were possible.

Yet it is. Practice makes perfect.

Thanks

Iona

Me and our beautiful Maya